Winter Olympics Post

To my great surprise, today, I was reminded again of the existence of the Winter Olympics, in a roundabout way. I noticed on a website I peruse for news that there was some comment by a Bruce Arthur reacting to an ESPN article possibly denigrating Canadians by Rick Reilly. Unfortunately, this was some Canadian version of the Bruce Arthur I know. Despite the geographic proximity to where I grew up (basically a mixed drink involving several less savory parts of Washington State) of the Olympics, I really can't bring myself to devote myself to this. Oh, a Chinese team won a gold medal in pairs skating ending years of Russian domination. The Chinese domination of various obscure sports that was highlighted in Beijing really doesn't intrigue me as a storyline, because China has no satellite states that hilariously succeed in the Olympics. No hermaphroditic Vietnamese swimmer is going to win a women's swimming event in the near future, so, blah to these Olympics.

What will be and has been intriguing ever since the selection of it as host site is the 2014 host, Sochi. I can kind of guess what Sochi is like, having been to Yalta and Batumi, similar towns on the selfsame sea. My first reaction was one of great surprise from an aviation perspective...all those Ilyushin and Antonov crashes that plague Russia but the West really doesn't care about would kind of matter, wouldn't they? And geography...given the amount of drinking that I must assume takes place at the Winter Olympics, how is this Winter Olympics going to end without the Swiss hockey team randomly ending up in Chechnya or Ingushetia, some hours away by a drunken commandeering of a vacationing Russian metallurgist's Zhiguli.

I have one key suggestion for the planners of the Sochi Olympics, as it is the greatest sport in Russian history and would, I'm sure, provide huge ratings. Invading Russia is something that the Poles, Russians, French, Czechs, Germans, Americans, British, Swedes, and Japanese have all had history of doing, not to mention including defunct states like Horde, the various Baltic German crusading orders, the Genoese, Trebizond, ad infinitum. Of course, this sport would not involve actual violence, but would simply be a modern take on a similar concept. Place a group of mediocre people (preferably monolingual and obese, for the amusement of the worldwide viewing audience) in a similar situation to where their respective countries' invasions began. Put them all in a modified Volga limo with copious amounts of alcohol and see who gets to Sochi first. No directions, no instructions in the Cyrillic alphabet or in Russian. Can the American team make it all the way from Arkhangels'k? What about the Swedish team? Will they proudly cross the river at Narva only to get distracted by the temptations of the much easier to negotiate Poland and through a failed alliance with some friendly Cossacks, and have to hit the abort button in Ukraine? Or would they meet up with the Turkish team and continue forward? Throw in a team of Russian alcoholics nicknamed "The False Dmitris" and I think we've got ourselves a big hit. It works wonders for Russia, as I'm sure when the French team shows up in Moscow and decides it's pretty much already won and spends two weeks binging in a local bar, it'll highlight the ample Russian nightlife scene. Could the Georgian team surprise with a gold medal, given their geographically advantageous position and possible familiarity with Cyrillic, or will they get bogged down squatting in Abkhazia drinking chacha and furiously writing letters to the UN?

There are certainly other Sochi-specific sports that could be added to the Winter Olympics slate: competitive sanatorium navigating, competitive English instruction to Russian girls by desperate men who will loudly declare, "No, she can't form a sentence yet, but you understand what "horny" means, right, sweetcakes" (n.b. this is based on an actual quote related to me by a 70-something English man who came to Ukraine to meet a woman).

As far as the 2012 London Games go, I admit I don't have that many ideas. Competitive understanding of the game of cricket comes to mind. The British have kind of a sense of humor about these things, so I suggest a sport in which young British people lead gullible tourists on trips led with thorough misinformation (at the coast: "You see that faint object over there? Yeah, that's the Eiffel Tower." "Amazing!"), with high points being awarded for any competitors who utter the phrase, "Is there any goldurn person in this country who speaks English, Lord almighty!" Points would be awarded for post-trip slideshows in which people go, "Well, this here is York, and well this garden was started when King Arthur got a little diarrhea and couldn't find a McDonald's anywhere and had to soil the ground, and then the soil got fertilized, I reckon."

This all could seem a bit cynical and harsh, but isn't this the driving force behind American TV? Ignorant people watching other ignorant people = comedy gold. I've never watched this Jersey Shore program to which I've heard references, but it seems to be indicative of that trend. So, let's go balls out!