Abstinence: My Human-Sized Condom Against Pain

On the lack of updates: I don't know why, really. But I'm back. Currently in Vilnius. Expect something on the Baltic states in a few days.

Maybe it's inappropriate, but one way I look at religion is in computer terms. I grew up an Episcopalian, baptized a Roman Catholic, and know something of most common religions. To me, Western Christianity is a PC, Orthodoxy a Mac. The latter is shiny, all about aesthetic value, but as a practical way to God, I don't know what looking at a bunch of pictures of saints I've never heard of in Greek is going to get me to Christ. Evangelism is Windows Vista, this unfortunate familiar-seeming abomination that hassles you all the time asking for administrator privileges you should already have.
I've run into evangelicals in almost every country I've been to. In Central America, one conspicuous thing is the number of menorahs painted on buildings and other explicit connections to Judaism. In the smallest towns of Guatemala, one finds Restorante Shalom, Cafe de Ahava, what have you. It's really odd. Ask the locals, to them, they're symbols of Christianity. No, dudes, they're Jewish. Pretty exclusively. Peace to us is paz, pax, never shalom. I climbed a volcano, Izalco, in El Salvador. Unfortunately, a German and I were the only solo travellers. The twenty other people were a Christian group from the University of Texas-Austin doing some do-gooder bollocks. I was among the trailers in our hiking group, and some chick fell down. Obviously, I had to stop, but this was one of the situations where I wished I could've used my Get Out of Common Decency and Chivalry Free Pass, as I had to be subjected to these people praying to Jesus for a minor sprain to be healed and for this girl to be able to make it up this volcano. Jesus is supposed to be answering my prayers about getting me laid and bringing back basketball to Seattle, you dicks with minor trifles. In Teotihuacan, there was a group of American teenage kids. American teenagers are one of those groups that you don't want to associate with, like cannibals in Irian Jaya or such, so I asked one of their Mexican "buddies" what was going on. They were a group called 24/7, and they were from Colorado Springs. That says everything.
Or maybe it doesn't to you, fair enough. They were a group shielding Christianity under the cloak of family values. How can you hate families and morality, you know? I felt really bad for the Mexicans who were getting sucked into this web of crap (evangelism is fast on the rise all over Central America). Also, Evangelical Christians: you're an embarrassment to our faith. The following is how I see you people.
"Well, Mr. Popeil, we're offering salvation for just three easy payments of 9.99." "Wow, what a deal." "And wait there's more, we're throwing in the Amazing Pasta Cooker, a $70 value, for free. And you can try, money guaranteed." "Well, you've really sold" "And we've got some knives here we're adding to the package, just like the ones used in the Battle of Sekigahara, only now you dumb suburbanites get to use them to cut pork rump!" "Terrific!"
On that matter, you really want to sell the New Testament, you've already gone so low, and you've already re-written it to a large extent in the form of heretical "editions," why don't you just take a page from your beloved mass media and re-write the whole doggone thing. There are so many ways you can take this. Does anybody care about the Gospel of Matthew, anyways? Wouldn't it be better as "CSI: Jerusalem?" And Christianity, we'd be doing ourselves a favor and our beloved Republican party one too if we just wrote new parables, "The Parable of the Fallen Ensign," "The Parable of the Appalachian Trail Hiker," to explain how Republican politicians' behavior is saved by Christ's death. I'm all for a postmodern re-interpretation where Jesus' wanderings predict future sites of the best shawarma in the Holy Land, or Isratine (tine like teen, I think it would make things more peaceful if these people's country sounded like Ovaltine) as I call it.
One time in Yemen, where apostasy and proselytzation are more serious crimes than murder, I ran across a girl. She was cute, studying Arabic, from Virginia. Seemed like there was potential. But at one point, she asked me "What team are you on?" Are you asking me if I'm gay? My favorite sports team? The Seahawks, but I kept analyzing the question. Do you mean it in the ridiculously stupid way that places like Office Depot consider their peon college student employees who clearly hate their jobs part of a team? Well, it's a stretch, but I'll tell you what company I work for. Nope, not what you mean, ese, um, Team America? "No, what missionary group are you with." And we're done. It amazed me to see these people talking relatively openly about their efforts to convert Muslims, many of which had taken years, among not necessarily friendly company.
Muslims, you're not that much better. Two particular attempts at conversion stand out in particular. One is really common. It's the "We've got Noah, Abraham, Moses, Isaac, Ishmael, Jesus, Mary, Joseph...why can't you just add Muhammad, it's just one more guy" approach. This smacks of some NBA GM trying to sneak a player into a deal who might have big implications for the team he's trading with, "Well, we're giving you all these players, just take him, you can put him at the end of the bench, not worry about him, you've still got Jesus and those other guys, still the same good team." Doesn't really work. People in Yemen didn't understand a thing which is fundamental to their society. Religion is tribal. Everybody in Yemen is a Muslim because their mother and father and tribe is. So my tribe is Christian. All of my family is Christian. They wouldn't approve of conversion. Most of the girls I've dated wouldn't. My friends wouldn't care so much, but they'd be cautious. Certainly there are employers (you know) who would care.
The second, and singular approach that I'll cover is one hilariously bestowed on me by a Sudanese born New York resident who had attended a junior college in Denver. He had come to Yemen to marry a girl from village (as one friend I had described it, the perks of dating these girls included "placing their hands over the buttons of a cell phone and teaching them how it works"). His argument was the polygamy approach. I personally have no problem with polygamy. But his argument was great. It involved this mythical city called Atlanta, Georgia. I knew of an Atlanta, Georgia, where I had dated a girl from Georgia Tech, a school which had maybe 30,000 students, 70% of which were males. So, at least 21,000 guys. And this Atlanta, I knew from statistics to have a population of 440,000 (city-approximated). So, assuming that the guys from Georgia Tech were the only guys in the whole city, roughly 420,000 to 20,000 or 21 to 1. But this guy, who had lived in America, for God's sake, told me of the problems of this Atlanta, where there were 30 females for every male. Well, by Jove, Islam, which generally allows four wives to a man, isn't doing enough! He admitted he'd only read statistics on Atlanta, but in Denver, where he had lived, it was about 8 to 1. Been there too, dude. I mean, I get it, a lot of American guys really look like chicks with their long hippy hair and nose piercings. But polygamy and me taking a couple of effete males as concubines to two real women wives isn't going to solve any problems.